Your face is a jimmy john
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
