if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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