This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
what day is it and did you see me today?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize