stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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