I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
