Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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