We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
