mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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