I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
