We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
