i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He? As in you personified your dick?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
