maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
