I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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