Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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