My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
