I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize