It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
