Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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