just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
