i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
