a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Quick, to the slutcave!
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
