So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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