I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
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