He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
