Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
