hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
