The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Never underestimate the power of titties
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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