well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
