I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
