My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm getting married
To pizza
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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