I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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