I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
