I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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