Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
