You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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