So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
