Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize