Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
