One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
