I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
