I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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