Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
