he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Randomize
