a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Damn victory sex feels great
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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