Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
