we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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