OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
