mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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