He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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