He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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