she woke up with a sticky ear
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
