oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
