Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
