I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
