It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
