Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
