if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
