i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
