Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
