Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
