just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
