two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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