He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Randomize
