I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
